Roughing the viewer

America has a growing epidemic on its hands. This country has been through so much over the last month. Injustices have been done. Good men have been vilified, and bad men have thrived under a corrupt system.

This nation has been rocked to its core, and with what has happened over the last three weeks, I think it's time somebody finally stood up and said something.

The roughing the passer penalties in the NFL are not only extreme, but reckless and ridiculous all the same. Drives that should have ended in punts become first-and-10 situations, and punt returners who were meant to run free in the fields are instead sidelined like caged animals.

I may look like I'm still a high-schooler, but I'm old enough to remember when football was football. When men were men, boys were boys and tackles were tackles. What I've seen in the first three weeks of the NFL season has been an abomination, and I don't just say that because my fantasy team is 0-3.

I remember the days when an NFL quarterback could be wrestled to the ground in the backfield without some self-righteous referee running in and ruining all the fun with a flag. Blowing their whistles like some kind of whistle-blowers, and body-shaming defensive linemen by saying they 'put too much weight on the passer.”

Now don't get me wrong, I love being safe. In fact, I much prefer being safe to being in danger. But I draw the line when safety interferes with my personal entertainment.

I should be able to lie on my couch on Sundays like a lazy slob and watch 300-pound guys crash into pretty boy quarterbacks at full speed, crush them into the turf and then dance over their flattened bodies without some dude in zebra stripes racing in and passing judgment.

So this column is for you, Mr. Referee Man invading my television ... invading my home where I'm meant to feel safe. Sure, it may not be your call what is considered 'roughing the passer,” but it's up to you to refuse orders from this crooked man at the top who hates defense.

It's time to just say no. When Mr. Commissioner sits up in his sky box stuffing his face with the nachos he probably got for free, and he looks down at you waiting for a penalty flag, just say no.

Just say no when Mr. Commissioner wants you to punish a defensive end for doing his job. Does he not care that D-linemen have to feed their families just like the rest of us?

And while we're at it, just say no when Mr. Commissioner says touchdown celebrations need to be 'classy” and 'respectful to the other team.” This is America. We crave excess. We need the theatrics.

Let's talk about that trash-talking big play wide receiver. The one who's coming off suspension for blowing off practice to go clubbing. That guy who always leaps up and signals first down when he gets over the line and consistently throws his head coach and teammates under the bus after losses. Yeah, that guy.

Should he be punished for being creative? Should he be penalized for having a little fun? So what if he wants to steal popcorn from one of the fans and dump it over his helmet. So what if he wants to pretend the pylon is a golf club or sign the football with a sharpie he'd been hiding in his shoe. This is America.

Every time a referee throws a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct, excessive celebration or roughing the passer, an angel loses its wings. Haven't you noticed there have been exactly zero 'Angels in the Outfield” movies since 1994? It's because there aren't enough winged angels to fill the cast anymore (and the ones that do fly don't have their SAG cards).

I know some of you flag-loving pigskin hippies probably disagree with me. You'll say, 'Andy, have you even played football? Do you even know what it feels like to get sacked?” Well, I'll have you know I have full authority to comment on all this stuff because I once played college football. (Note that technically it was intramural co-ed flag football, but I was in college when I played.)

Now let me tell you about that flag football league. We had rules. You weren't allowed to knock over the quarterback (much like in the NFL today). You weren't even allowed to tackle. And what happened? I got a concussion from colliding with a 90-pound girl in our final regular season game. Doesn't seem so safe after all, does it, Mr. Commissioner?

Before all the haters and losers (of which there are many) protest outside my house, let me just say that I do recognize that there are situations where unnecessary roughness flags are valid. Namely, when there is excessive helmet-to-helmet contact, when someone gets blindsided away from the play or when the Bears really need to keep the drive alive.

But I think we can all agree these penalties are getting out of hand. Some people would even argue these rules are 'ruining football,” although I'd never say that because I know football is too good and pure to be ruined by anything.

If you're not swayed yet, think about this: How valuable would Adam Sandler's character in 'The Water Boy” be in today's NFL? He'd stink! He would average like 10 drive-saving penalties a game, and that's just wrong.

So in conclusion, Mr. Commissioner, I ask you to please reconsider a few of your new roughing the passer rules ... and also please meet every last demand in this very respectful column. Thank you for reading.