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The dark night rises
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Oct. 26, 2018 9:33 am
Halloween may be next week, but the scariest holiday of the year isn't until early November. No, I don't mean Election Day (that's a close second). I mean Nov. 4 when Daylight Saving Time ends and four months of darkness and despair begins.
Batman villain Bane once said. 'You merely adopted the dark; I was born in it.”
Sounds like Bane has a winter birthday because the sun never shines from early November to early March. If my birthday was in the winter months, I'd wear a mask and go around terrorizing people and blowing up football stadiums too.
On Nov. 4, we're all supposed to 'fall back,” by turning our clocks back one hour, but I think most people would rather fall forward on their own sword than drive home in the dark every day after work. I'm playing for team 'spring forward” all day and twice on Sunday.
Most defenders of this dull and disgraceful period will try and win you over by mentioning that we all get one more hour of sleep, as if you're not allowed to just go to sleep an hour early or take a one-hour nap during the day.
Show me someone who looks forward to falling back for the extra sleep, and I'll show you someone with tunnel vision. You have to look at the big picture, and the big picture is dark, dreary and cold.
If it weren't for the NFL and college football, I would just hibernate during the winter months. Shout out to bears and chipmunks for figuring out what humans couldn't. We do have TV, flying and the Internet and bears and chipmunks still poop outside, so I think we're still the more advanced species, but we have to give our furry friends props on hibernation. Game recognize game.
The big problem with that plan is I'd still have to keep my cash flow going so I could still survive when I wake up from my deep sleep. I guess I could set up a Go Fund Me page, or fudge on my taxes a bit, or just bury some jars of money where the squirrels bury their nuts.
Oh, and don't start with me about how it's lighter in the mornings. I don't want it to be light in the mornings! Do you know how adult you feel when you wake up for work and the sun isn't out yet? That's the kind of stuff you tell your grandkids about as a way to belittle their work ethic. 'I used to go to work in pitch black darkness, what are you doing with your life, sonny?”
You know what happens when it's dark at 5 p.m.? Muggings, fender-benders, people with old cars forgetting to turn their headlights on. All the worst stuff. And what happens when it's dark at 6 a.m.? Maybe one or two people fall over in their bedroom trying to get dressed. I'll take the ladder every time.
Why do we even do this Daylight Saving schedule anyway? I bet it's another Mayan thing. You know, we trust those guys way too much after they botched that 2012 apocalypse prediction. Just because they invented chocolate, they get to dictate how we treat the sun. Shouldn't be how it works. Sad.
All right, I just looked it up. First of all, apparently it was the Aztecs who invented chocolate, so yet another black eye for the Mayans. Also, the Mayans have nothing to do with Daylight Saving Time. Apparently some dude from New Zealand came up with the idea in 1895. I didn't even know New Zealand was around in 1895, so this is all news to me.
So in conclusion, let's just do away with this falling back nonsense and keep moving forward. There are still a couple of weeks before the time change takes place, so please call your senators and representatives, and also the president, the pope and the Queen (because I think England still runs New Zealand). All hands on deck everybody, we're all in this together. It's TIME for change.
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