Fairfield couple tries to bridge political divides in ‘Better Angels’

FAIRFIELD – A Fairfield couple is using marriage counseling techniques to help bridge the divide between people on opposite ends of the political spectrum.

Joe and Julie Mandarino run the Fairfield chapter of an organization called 'Better Angels.” Its purpose is to get people from the 'red team” (Republicans) to sit across from members of the 'blue team” (Democrats) and engage in constructive dialogue as opposed to mud-slinging and name-calling.

The couple has held a series of workshops at the Fairfield Public Library during the past few years. Participants learn to understand another person's point of view, even if they don't agree with it, and when taking a stance on an issue, to show their rationale and cite their evidence in a way that permits another to confirm what they are saying.

Their next event will be screening a documentary about the origins of 'Better Angels” at 7:30 p.m. Oct. 15 at the Fairfield Public Library. The next workshop will be Oct. 26, also at the Fairfield Public Library. They seek an equal number of 'reds” and 'blues” for each workshop. Participating in a workshop is free, but registration is required. It can be done online at joeandjulie.com. The Mandarinos can be reached at BetterAngelsIowa@gmail.com.

The parent 'Better Angels” organization began in 2016 after the election. A group in South Lebanon, Ohio, assembled a room full of 10 supporters of Donald Trump and 11 supporters of Hilary Clinton for the first Better Angels Red/Blue Workshop. The goal? To see if they could respectfully disagree and still be able to find common ground. The result? The two sides liked each other, and wanted to keep meeting. Before long, they were helping to start workshops in other towns all across the United States.

At that time, Julie Mandarino was a psychology professor at Iowa Wesleyan University in Mt. Pleasant. Her area of expertise is marriage and family psychology. One of her mentors is a marriage therapist in Indianapolis, and he had written an article about the 'Better Angels” movement shortly after it began.

'He was looking at how there were two groups of people at each other's throat, almost like tribal warfare,” Julie said. 'The two sides were denouncing each other and saying how the other side was going to destroy the country.”

The marriage therapist wrote that the anger between the two sides was just like the kind he saw every day in his practice dealing with couples in distress.

'They've each got their own story about the other, and they tell all their friends to support them in that story about the other,” Julie said. 'I see the same thing when couples come to me.”

The therapist hypothesized that the same tools that can bridge the divide between upset spouses can be used to ease tensions between 'warring” political factions.

Julie heard about instructional videos the man was posting online about how to get people to communicate. She told Joe about it, and he said it would be great to start a local 'Better Angels” group. They became the first moderators of a 'Better Angels” program in Iowa. At their first workshop, some participants told them they never interact with someone of a different political persuasion.

'Some said, ‘I never see a red [Republican]. I don't know who reds are,'” Joe said. 'And I told them, ‘Hey guys, half of this town is red. And then the reds come through the door and say ‘I've never talked to a blue in my life.'”

Julie and Joe said they believe the fundamental problem in society is the intolerance between members of different political parties. There are genuine problems to solve, but a solution to them can never be found if people can't have open, good-faith dialogue with each other.

One of the important obstacles that people have to get beyond in discussing politics is the desire to denounce the other side, the Mandarinos said. They don't allow that at their workshops. Instead, they encourage people to just talk as friends. It's much harder to hate a friend than a stranger.

Julie spoke about an example of an engaged couple with different political beliefs. She asked the woman what was so hard about listening to her fiance's point of view. The woman replied that, if she listened, she might start agreeing with him, and that would cause her to be shunned by her friends.

The workshops aren't just for Democrats and Republicans, either. Joe and Julie said independents, Libertarians, Greens, or anyone else who doesn't identify with the two major parties is welcome to attend. Joe said that a person, no matter their beliefs, will hear something they might not agree with at first, and they will learn how to have a productive conversation with that person.

The Mandarinos try to break participants of a habit called 'rebuttal listening.” It means that you're making a list of rebuttals to give to that person as soon as they're done talking. In its place, the Mandarinos want participants to listen for the purpose of understanding that person's values and feelings.

One exercise they do is to have one person explain their beliefs, and then ask someone from the other side to paraphrase what they just said. If the original speaker agrees that is a fair paraphrasing of their beliefs, it means the person from the other side truly understands how the speaker thinks.

Another problem the Mandarinos have come across is the fear of conceding a point to the other side, believing this will let them 'win.”

'Let's hear our concerns and find out where we can find common ground,” they said.

The couple has received some pushback against their venture, arguing that they are giving a platform to those who do not deserve it. The Mandarinos don't feel that way. They see value in exploring another person's perspective, since they believe all people have something to contribute.

The name of the organization, 'Better Angels,” comes from Abraham Lincoln's first inaugural address, delivered in 1861 after seven states had seceded from the union. In it, Lincoln addresses those states, saying 'We are not enemies, but friends. … Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory … will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”