Putting life into focus: understanding what really matters

Mary Dawson isn't afraid of dying.

'I'm concerned about it but I'm not scared. I don't want to die before I finish aggravating people,” she said jokingly.

'I don't know when and where [it's going to happen] and that's not important to me. I just want to be able to live my life so that if the time comes, I can gracefully accept it,” she added.

The 80-year-old nursing home resident of Halcyon House was born and raised in Davenport, but considers Washington her hometown and intends to spend the rest of her days there.

The former rural carrier moved into an apartment at the assisted living facility in 2009 and lived independently until she suffered a stroke, which incapacitated her and her ability to care for herself.

'They take good care of me and they're very helpful when I'm having problems. They're very good to me,” she said.

Her move into Halcyon House came a few years after her husband, John, passed away from cancer in 2005. Dawson said she never expected to outlive her husband by over a decade and still misses him.

'It's been a long time since he's been gone. Whenever I hear of anything, I think ‘Oh, I've got to tell John,' and I have to remind myself, ‘Wait a minute Mary, he's gone,'” she said.

As her health continues to decline, Dawson said there are few things that phase her as she lives out the final stages of life, especially since she's already faced so many physical and mental hurdles. The reality of death isn't as scary because she's had time to come to terms with it.

'Whatever comes, I will be prepared. I've had a lot of challenges. I've had very serious medical issues for a long time,” she said.

Much like grief, facing one's mortality is a very individualized experience.

'Each person is different,” Dell Hammond, Savannah Heights' administrator, said.

Working in a nursing home, Hammond noted it's particularly interesting to watch how his residents choose to spend their time. Especially with those dealing with health complications, the realization that life is frail and fleeting comes a little sooner. Generally, people find themselves beginning to consider moving into a facility after big events like a fall or when loved ones notice a change in condition.

'It's kind of like an early warning system,” he said.

Because residents realize there isn't much time left, they often choose to focus on things that really matter.

'They really focus in and go, ‘This is the most high priority for me because I can't do very much so I want to do the most with my time.' They all want connection. They love having family. They love kids, they love the interaction,” he said.

The administrator added that generally people who have a 'faith-based viewpoint” come to terms with death a little better, though reactions can still vary from person to person.

'It seems to bring purpose into their lives. They understand they're not defined by physical capabilities. They're defined by who they are,” he explained, which is exactly how Dawson finds strength in the face of mounting physical issues.

Dawson detailed suffering from a ruptured ovarian cyst as a 24-year-old as well as two miscarriages. Later in life, she also had back surgery and procedures to put in artificial knees and a right hip. Her declining health has been a reality for a long time, but one that was initially difficult to accept.

'I knew it was coming but I didn't want to see it. I'm very aware that my health is deteriorating. I'm having troubles with my eyes. I have pain, a significant amount. They're helping me with medication but that doesn't always do it,” she said.

Dawson added that adjusting to losing her independence has been a difficult process, but she tries to take everything in stride and 'cooperate with everything that's going on with [her].” The thing she misses most is being able to walk on her own. Currently, she is concerned about losing her ability to see.

'I am very concerned. My eyesight is deteriorating quite rapidly,” she said.

For Dawson, speaking to a counselor every couple of months and interacting with other people helps her cope. However, Dawson said she finds most of her strength from her faith.

'My faith equips me to face anything,” she said.

Dawson's room is decorated with a multitude of crosses. Her faith is evident in most areas of her living space. The Halcyon House resident, a devout Methodist, said she purposely has crosses without Jesus Christ on them because it reminds her that 'Christ arose,” which gives her 'faith and hope.” It also helps her navigate challenges as they arise.

'The most important thing in life is being brave. That's hard to do sometimes. Trying to handle most anything that might come to me, be it health or mental or whatever - the bottom line is being brave. And having faith,” she said.

It's all in a person's perspective, Hammond added. Rather than seeing deteriorating health as a negative, it can be helpful to focus on what a person still is capable of doing.

'Some people think, ‘the individual that I know and love and care about, they're wearing away, pieces of them are going away.' Other people are the opposite. They go ‘I still get to enjoy all these aspects of this individual.'” he said.

Still, sadness is an unavoidable part of the deal when it comes to understanding the end may be near, but the important thing is 'not being alone in that grief,” according to Hammond.

'It's OK to be sad. We need to have bad times to know the good times,” he said.

To help people navigate the heavy emotions, the nursing home facility offers a variety of activities and methods to help residents, including various forms of therapy, organized activities with other residents or being around animals. Hammond noticed many residents find comfort in being surrounded by things from childhood or are generally familiar to them.

'Nobody really knows what's on the other side. None of us have gone there and come back and so maybe part of it is them being able to feel secure in what they do and knowing what they have experienced so they're ready for what may come,” he said.

For Dawson, comfort comes in being with her family. When she considers the future and her absence in it, Dawson, who has two daughters and three grandchildren, hopes her family 'will be able to continue on and not fall apart.”

'I talk to them, as much as I can. All three of my grandchildren are graduates of William Penn and none of them are married yet so there aren't any [great-grandchildren] on the horizon. I would like to live long enough to see a great-grandchild,” she added.

Dawson said she believes her purpose in life is to 'help [her] family in any way [she] can.”

'I loved my husband very much and was blessed with two daughters. I have wonderful grandchildren and I don't know why, but they love me,” she said.

This focus on people and a return to a simpler perspective is what sticks out most of Hammond about the elderly. Though there may be sadness, there is also a great deal of beauty and gratitude for the happy and good times.

'In life, you grow up and then you sort of revert to being like more of a child. Not in a negative way - it's you're going back and having perspective on things and finding joy in things that seem so small,” he said, 'When you're in the middle of the spectrum, you tend to go ‘oh that doesn't have any value,' but as a child or as an elderly individual, you recognize the value a little bit easier because you don't let yourself get distracted by all the other stuff that has to get done.”