Setting boundaries and enjoying the holidays

As wonderful as the holidays can be, extended amounts of time with family can also lead to conflicts and stress. For some, going home can induce anxiety and worry, especially when there is a potential for divisive topics to be brought up as the Thanksgiving turkey is being carved.

Going into the jolly season, mental health professionals in southeast Iowa have a couple tips for people who may be feeling uneasy about returning home and congregating with certain family members.

Preparing to deal with potentially difficult family gatherings can start before arriving on Mom's front porch. Getting proactive and setting boundaries and expectations beforehand may help get everyone on the same page.

Bailey Peterson, a licensed master social worker (LMSW) with Elements Family Therapy and Play Therapy Center in Mt. Pleasant, recommends setting realistic expectations on how many places a person can visit in one season as well as how many gifts can be bought, which can help circumvent any fights that may arise about which families or houses gets visits this upcoming season.

'Just a phone call ahead of time, far in advance, before it gets to the point where you tell them you can't go, can be helpful,” she said.

When it comes to potentially triggering conversations at the dinner table, Peterson also advises a person develop a game plan ahead of time, namely, knowing when to engage and when not to engage.

'I think it's good to set boundaries with yourself, knowing that if Uncle Joe brings up something, you're not going to engage. If someone asks you about something that makes you uncomfortable, give an answer and then change the subject, just going in prepared … knowing someone could bring something up can be good to remember,” Peterson suggested, also explaining that in redirecting conversations, others will realize certain topics are not open for discussion.

The LMSW also recommended taking breaks or physically leaving for a short period of time when needed.

'Getting away for a second can help reset the tone,” Peterson noted.

Ultimately, the outpatient therapist proposed that keeping a positive mind-set may be the key to getting through the season.

'Something I try to have people remember is that we're all human, we all have different life experiences, things we've gone through that shape our perspective. We haven't had the same experiences and the facts in your mind may not be the facts in their mind, but there are things that you can come together on, like you both love Grandma or both love pumpkin pie. Just knowing that it's not your job to change their mind, it's your job to love them and have a good time with them,” she remarked on how to enjoy time with family despite potential differences in ideologies and beliefs.

'I think it's important to identify what's most important for you and focus on those things. The holidays are a time of joy,” she concluded.

Donzell Lampkins, a mental health counselor at Iowa Wesleyan University, also encouraged being very intentional going into family gatherings and being conscious and able to notice physical or mental changes. This includes being cognizant of tension in the body and being comfortable enough to address concerns.

'As you notice those changes, begin to identify what it is and where it stems from and how can you resolve that discomfort that you're feeling … sometimes that may be taking a break, getting some air. That may even mean calling it an early night, and that's OK too,” Lampkins said.

'The biggest thing is once you know what is happening, you have to give yourself permission to address that concern,” he added.

Like Peterson, Lampkins also encouraged people to set boundaries ahead of time, and suggested a more direct approach with family members, having a conversation about refraining from bringing up potentially triggering topics over dinner. The counselor recognized that many may not know how best to approach what may become a difficult conversation and suggested choosing a channel of communication most comfortable for a person, which may mean sending a text or email.

Lampkins also suggested finding alternative places to go or stay if a person knows their family will create a toxic environment for them.

'We need to ask ourselves, where can we go instead? For students, can I stay in the resident hall or apartment? Can I stay with a friend? If you didn't realize until the night before, ask, where can I go the next day?” Lampkis said.

The mental health counselor gave examples of open spaces people may be able to spend time at in place of staying in an unhealthy environment, including community centers, places of worship and even shopping places that open on Black Friday.

The mental health counselor also noted that it's important to normalize not doing anything special for the holidays and for people to be as festive as they feel comfortable being.

'I think it's definitely knowing and honoring your limits. It doesn't make you weak it makes you strong. You may decide ‘I can't do it this year' and that's OK, find something else,” he stressed.

Lampkins also explained that if a relative or friend is known to be disruptive or triggering, it's OK to not extend an invitation.

'I think we're in a time when people are beginning to check and challenge norms, people are setting boundaries. It's OK to invite the problematic uncle just because they're family. If they're not part of your chosen family, not part of your tribe, or not supportive, why put yourself through that agony for the sake of tradition?” Lampkins said.