Popcorn and teeth

During a long road trip the other day, and having quite a bit further (or is it farther?) to travel, I decided to treat myself to some convenience-store popcorn, more for something to do with my mouth rather than need. I knew a particular convenience store for its seedy popcorn?also known as ?witches?--but figured my lower-digestive tract could use the roughage, and my blood pressure the salt. I whipped in and filled a bag, sampling as I went. It was stale, but whatdaya expect from a convenience store? I couldn?t believe the cost-- 80 cents. Why, I remember ten-cent popcorn. Oh, well, grin and bear it. Sign of the times.

I proceeded along my rejuvenated way, chomping down and enjoying the beautiful fall day. I was on my way to Sigourney to photograph some outdoor brood sows with their piggies. You don?t often see pigs raised outdoors anymore, something the farmer calls ?free-range,? and was excited to get some nursing-pig pictures.

All of a sudden there was a crunch, pop, bang, and it felt like the whole side of my mouth caved in. I explored with my tongue. Amongst the shredded popcorn mash, something was definitely amiss. I pulled over to the side of the road and studied the inside of my mouth through the rear-view mirror. Jumpinjehosafat! Half of one of my molars was gone! It?s hell get?n old. Why, I can?t to go back and sue the pants right off that convenience store!

As I ate the rest of the popcorn, using the other side of my mouth to chew (I?m not kidding), I contemplated the situation. Just what chain-of-events had led up to this misfortune? I shouldn?t have bought the popcorn. I shouldn?t have been chomp?n seeds. The road map of disaster was all laid out before me. It was my fault.

What are cell phones for? I called my dentist and told the receptionist about my predicament. They could get me in, in two weeks. I explained that I was in pain (more mental). They could get me in that afternoon. After hours.

OK, Jose! I?ll bet?s it?s gonna cost! And me with no dental insurance.

I went ahead and got my pig pictures, tongue exploring the sharp edges of the new cavity all the while. The pigs didn?t care. They sidled up to me for a back scratch. And the pig pictures? Sweet!

At the dentist?s office ?after hours? the dentist asked me how I happened to bust a tooth. I told him about the popcorn. He just laughed and, I quote, ?Popcorn is to the dentist what deer season is to the auto-body repair shop. Put a popcorn machine in my waiting room and I might double my business.?

Yuk Yuk.

Eighty-cent popcorn, eight-hundred dollar crown. Poetic justice.

At least my dentist was there when I needed him. I really can?t tell the difference between the crown and my regular teeth, although the crown is sorta sensitive to hot and cold. And I was supposed to have teeth to last a lifetime.

Do I still eat popcorn? Oh, yeah.

But now I?m more careful to spit out the seeds. I mean witches.

I have a little accident insurance policy. I filed a claim. From what I can decipher, it might pay $67.50. We?ll see if they consider busting a tooth on popcorn an accident.

Or stupidity.

Have a good story? Call Curt Swarm in Mt. Pleasant at 319-217-0526 or email him at curtswarm@yahoo.com.