Computer confusion

I don’t understand computers.

Living in the digital age, that is akin to someone saying, “I don’t understand indoor plumbing” or “I don’t understand electricity.”

Granted, you don’t have to understand the finer workings of your toilet or your light switches to enjoy the ease they bring to our lives. When the toilet quits working, I call the plumber. When the electricity goes out, I call the power company. When my computer drives me nuts, I sit there and quietly (or not) swear and snarl and wonder what part of this invention is making my life better.

Sometimes I log onto my work computer bright and early, eager to tackle the day’s workload and slay deadlines. I log into all my production programs, get my email inbox updated and connect to the various servers and drives through the VPN. I’m a password-clicking whiz kid. When everything is up and running, I flex my fingers like a concert pianist, open the first document of the day and … oh … wait … what’s this?

A message box pops up on the screen. “You must reboot your computer to install network upgrades. Would you like to do it now?”

Translated, this means, “We are going to take over your system for anywhere from five to 30 minutes. If you don’t click ‘yes’ we will continue to annoy you every 10 minutes like a spoiled 3-year-old so you might as well give up and let us do it now. Resistance is futile.”

Really? You couldn’t have asked me before I launched my day? And what sadistic programmer thought Monday morning would be the ideal time to ask for delays and repeated reboots?

Another vexing thing is retail websites that try to interact with you in a manner intended to make you feel like an Important Customer. Inanimate objects should never try this because it does the exact opposite.

Example: I want to buy a widget. I call up my favorite online widget store. I am all set to browse the variety of widgets to find exactly what I need when a message box pops up: “10% off your first order when you sign up for the newsletter!”

No, thank you, this isn’t my first order and I’m not interested in your newsletter. Back to browsing. But wait, here comes another message, followed by another and another.

“Buy two widgets, get one free!”

“Refer a friend and you each get 50% off your next purchase!”

“Save $20 NOW if you sign up for the Widgets.com Mastercard!”

“Join the Widgets R Us fan club and connect with widget lovers from around the globe!”

“Open an account and save time at checkout!”

I’ve always thought these messages smacked of desperation, as if visiting the site and purchasing the product wasn’t enough, you had to be reminded of opportunities to immerse yourself in the product’s marketing. By the time I’ve clicked off the fourth or fifth pop-up, I’ve forgotten why I wanted a widget in the first place. That’s usually when I close my laptop and go get ice cream.

Comments: Melinda.Wichmann@southeastiowaunion.com