A Letter to a friend

Domestic abuse is not always bruises hidden behind long sleeves and sunglasses.

It is not always having excuses for a multitude of injuries.

Just because she is being abused, doesn’t mean a hand has ever been laid on her.

Just because she is being abused, doesn’t means she can see it from where she is.

According to the Domestic Intervention Program, emotional abuse is mistreating and controlling another person.

Using this form of abuse, the abuser makes their partner feel afraid, helpless, and/or worthless.

The following is written with the understanding of what emotional abuse can look and feel like.

The truth is, no matter how loudly you speak up about the signs, until she sees them with her own eyes, you might as well have whispered.

The truth is, no matter how delicately you try to show her the truth, until she sees it with her own eyes, you could very well be another threat to her safety.

Do not stop boldly declaring the truth and holding out your hand.

She lives in a reality in which her beliefs, religion, race, and more are devalued.

Appreciation, approval, and affection are rarely earned, and even less likely to be given freely.

She is criticized and called names.

And in the rare instance she expressed the isolation, hurt, fear, or anger, her feelings are ignored.

She feels worthless.

Dear friend,

Keep encouraging her to share her opinion, and validate it.

Her personal thoughts have been ripped away from her, and she is losing who she is.

Keep showing her compassion when she can’t get it right, and continue to pull her in.

She doesn’t know that she can be loved, even in the face of disagreement.

Without compliance, she has lost her worth.

Keep showing her that she isn’t always wrong, because she, honestly, doesn’t believe that’s true.

Keep letting her cry on your shoulder, yell, and sit in completely numb silence.

You don’t know how often her tears, her tone, and her feelings are weaponized against her.

To be told how her hurt is a manipulation has frozen her ability to trust her own emotions.

She needs moments to drop the mask.

She needs to know she isn’t too sensitive, and it is OK to hurt when something is hurtful.

Keep speaking truth to her against “jokes” at her expense, for this very reason.

She is not a punchline or punching bag.

Keep praising her.

She may have become so small, she can no longer see how great she once was and still is.

Be her cheerleader when she writes a poem she says is silly, hype her up when she looks cute, brag about how awesome she is to anyone that will listen.

Her abuser threatens to leave or kill themselves if she ever does.

She begins to second guess every word and the way she says it.

Hyperawareness grows as she interprets the abuser’s looks, gestures, and actions.

Maybe if she catches the threat early enough, she can minimize the fallout.

Still, her abuser smashes or destroys the few things she still values.

Dear friend,

Keep being transparent.

You might not realize how often she is left guessing.

She doesn’t know what she is doing wrong.

She isn’t sure why things feel so broken.

Keep giving her safety in knowing the good and the difficult in your friendship.

It might look like she needs saving, but in this battle, she is stronger than you may ever know.

She will find rest in not having to guess.

She doesn’t even realize the stealth with which her abuser has sewn seeds of doubts in her mind about those she once counted her closest family and friends.

Fights break whenever she is supposed to go out or spend time with friends, even when she received approval to go out before.

Whenever she does make it out, it is almost guaranteed guilt will follow her home.

She has been accused of having affairs so often, even she doubts reality.

Alone, she sifts through her abuser’s lies, threats, and insults.

She sits in her home, phone unpaid or broken and car keys out of reach.

Dear friend,

Keep inviting her out.

Sure, she will say no, because she feels like she needs to be home.

Give her room for that no.

Let her know she is not obligated to you or anyone else’s happiness.

Keep letting her yes be yes and her no be no without requiring she explain every time.

All those things she once loved, she probably still does, but she cannot make room for them, right now.

Keep inviting her to enjoy those things and meet her where she is.

She will need to know you’re still there when she starts to hear the truth of it all.

While the way her abuser holds a knife or cleans a gun makes her fear for her life, the threats to those she loves can be even more intimidating.

See, when she is too difficult to control, information, children, the relationship, and pets are used as means to instill fear and insure compliance.

Her abuser knows that she is willing to suffer almost anything to protect her loved ones.

She fears she’ll lose her children or they’ll be punished or deprived because of her actions.

She worries she has nowhere to turn.

Dear friend,

Keep asking her probing questions when things seem off, even if she gets offended.

Keep offering her opportunities for autonomy.

Encourage her to make her own choices.

It may seem difficult, when all you want is to save her from undeserved heartache.

Perhaps just ask her if she would like white or red wine.

Give her a choice of which spot on the sofa she’d like to sit in first.

So often, she won’t be able to decide, but those moments you give her will add up.

When she confides in you, keep holding her partner accountable.

In those moments of safety, let her know you’re on her side.

Keep providing a safe space for her to talk and process.

Most importantly,

When she gets so small all you can see is vulnerability, defeat, and the shell of who she once was …

Keep praying for her

Eventually,

She’ll come to see all of those things for the lifeline they were.

She might not be able to hear you at first, but she will need you when she does.

Comments: AnnaMarie.Ward@southeastiowaunion.com