Domestic Violence does not define victims

MT. PLEASANT — One in three women nationwide have experienced some form of domestic/intimate partner violence at some point in their lives.

Of all the women picking up this paper and reading this article, one in three have suffered this violence.

According to the Domestic Violence Intervention Program, domestic violence is “a pattern of behaviors, including violence that an abuser uses to CONTROL his /her partner.”

“DVIP exists because battering by an intimate partner is the single greatest cause of injury to women,” the DVIP website says. “Trauma and its impact on women, men and children has been well documented as a significant public health concern … NO ONE has the right to control, emotionally or physically abuse you!”

To that one in three suffering, you are not alone.

“The Mission of DVIP is to provide comprehensive support and advocacy services to victim/survivors, focusing on immediate and long-term safety, empowerment, dignity, and hope,” Director of Community Engagement for DVIP Region Six Alta Medea said. “In collaboration with the community, we strive to end domestic abuse through education, accountability, and social justice.”

Region Six of DVIP includes: Cedar, Johnson, Iowa, Washington, Henry, Des Moines, Van Buren and Lee counties.

While Henry County’s DVIP had to close their public facing office due to budget cuts, the program is still actively providing education, accountability, and social justice for this area.

In fiscal year 2021, DVIP served 61 individuals with 300 services in Henry County.

The year before, only 49 services were provided for the same area.

“With COVID, we’ve seen the need per individual double throughout the service region,” Medea said.

She anticipates that the need will continue to increase.

Each month, every one of these DVIP counties writes testimonials of clients for whom they’ve provided such services.

All of these stories are run through a rigorous process with name and detail changes to protect client privacy and safety.

This month, the following story was written by one of the advocates:

“Nancy had moved back to her childhood hometown … a very small town of under a thousand residents. Everyone knew everyone and their whereabouts. Secrets were impossible to hide. It was because of these reasons she had dreaded beyond dreading going ‘home.’”

According to DVIP, many women find that they stay in the relationship because they lack support emotionally, physically, and financially from family and friends, and many abusers create financial dependence to keep their victim in it.

Other reasons for staying include, feeling helplessly and hopelessly trapped, believing the partner will change, fear of retaliation, belief she has provoked it, and not understanding abuse.

Sometimes, it is as complicated as the victim still loving her abuser.

“You don’t go into a relationship expecting to be abused,” Medea said. “On average it takes about seven times for a victim to leave an abuser. It is the consistent support that the victim really needs to leave.”

As those who have experienced abuse become more aware, it is equally important for the rest of the community to be aware as well.

“The important thing when we suspect a person is a victim of DVIP is to be consistent,” Medea said. “Offer information you’ve read. Give them the use of your phone. Point them to resources. Most importantly, make sure they know you’re there for them and you care about them.”

Nancy’s story continues:

“She thought that she had no other choice if she wanted some of her financial burden lifted and, more importantly, to be safe from the physical and emotional abuse from her partner she had been enduring for the past four years.”

“She feared the reaction from her home community and letting law enforcement know of her situation. In fact, law enforcement from the small city she had been living in had been involved recently when she was leaving the relationship and her partner had overdosed with some prescribed medication.”

“Nancy’s partner had told her over and over again that she would do whatever it took to keep Nancy in the relationship. She also had threatened her with the follow-through if she did leave.”

“Nancy’s partner threatened that she would follow her everywhere, she would commit suicide, she would kill Nancy and herself or she would kill everyone in Nancy’s family. This attempt at suicide was her first warning shot. There was not enough medication taken this me to kill her partner, but enough to render her unresponsive and send a strong message to Nancy.”

It may have been difficult for Nancy to see from the beginning, but DVIP gives “red flags” like Nancy’s partner trying to control the relationship.

The top five “red flags” according to DVIP include:

• Is excessively jealous and possessive

• Tries to control what you say, wear, and who you have relationships with

• Pressures you to do things you don’t want to do

• Controlling/monitoring behaviors

• Prevents you from hanging out with friends/doing activities

Thankfully, Nancy was able to recognize the toxic behavior, though.

“After settling into her new home Nancy did reach out to the local Domestic Violence Intervention Program advocate. Her advocate gave her information about a civil protective order, which Nancy got.”

“It takes a lot to step out of abuse in any kind of relationship,” Division six Rural Manager and Client Advocate Marquise Lewis said. “A lot of individuals wait until it is severe and an emergency situation. We want to help find solutions from the beginning.”

“Her partner did drive 200 miles to Nancy’s parents’ home upon receiving her notice and was arrested. In fact, her partner was arrested more than once for contempt of the order. Nancy is receiving services from the advocate and currently is on her way to another location where she hopes to be safe.”

“She also is getting help in settling her debts and working on a major safety plan for down-the-road happenings. The domestic violence program has worked with her in that regard along with the collaborative efforts of law enforcement, the judicial system, and other partner organizations to make her future a safe one.”

“We meet victims where they are,” Medea said. “Individuals are experts and have kept themselves alive and safe up to the point of them coming to [DVIP], but individuals should know they do not have to be in immediate crisis to contact the hotline. Anyone is able to call in.”

“Call us as soon as you feel it has given you a feeling of being mentally, verbally, or physically uncomfortable,” Lewis said. “The top calls that come in start with ‘I don’t think I am being abused but…’”

“Those ‘I’m confused’ moments are where we begin to lift the veil,” Medea said.

Lewis encourages those confused to consider the following thoughts, “Is this what my relationship is supposed to be about? Should I be experiencing these things? They always say they love me and care about me and that they would never do this to me, but then they are doing those things. Know your worth.”

As far as prevention is concerned, Lewis and Medea agree that conversations are the most important.

Teaching children their worth is one of the first steps in keeping them safe from potential domestic violence later in life.

Have the conversations with your children as early as possible. Talk about consent and healthy relationships in age appropriate conversations.

“Use specific examples, and any way you can to educate early,” Lewis said citing his personal experience as a child growing up in a home where his mother was a victim of domestic violence.

According to Medea, one of the best ways to reach those already in need of assistance is word-of-mouth.

Because this is such an important way to reach people, DVIP makes it a priority be present within the communities they serve.

“We attend the farmers markets on Wednesdays and Saturdays depending on staff availability,” Medea said. “We will be at the Henry County Kids day at the fair. We attend back to school events, and some groups invite us to speak to churches, schools, and other gatherings.”

Yes, one in three women are statistically victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives, but that does not mean that any of them have to be for the remainder of their lives.

Medea encourages individuals to look for “green flags” like respect of boundaries, encouragement and support of your dreams and goals, autonomy in decision making, and digital privacy in relationships, and to hold onto those.

“NO ONE has the right to control, emotionally or physically abuse you,” DVIP website states. “Using violence and/or control is NOT ACCEPTABLE. No one causes another person to abuse. Abuse is always the choice of the abuser.”

“You are the victim of a crime, and almost any reaction is normal … You are a SURVIVOR with strength, courage, and skills that have gotten you this far. You deserve support. You are not responsible for your partner’s abusive behavior!”

Comments: AnnaMarie.Ward@southeastiowaunion.com