DVIP Awareness: Emotional Abuse

IOWA — As National Domestic Violence Awareness Month approaches this October, The Southeast Iowa Union will partner with the Domestic Violence Intervention Program to share victim-survivor stories.

This first story is the true experiences of an emotional abuse survivor. The name has been changed to protect their identity.

For 13 years Sandra had endured verbal and mental abuse from her husband.

Sandra shared with her Domestic Violence Intervention Program (DVIP) advocate that things were picture-perfect when she first started dating him.

He made her feel like a princess and told her multiple times a day how beautiful she was, he would call her during her lunch hour to check on her, and surprise her with new clothes and jewelry a couple of times a week.

Here, Sandra experienced love bombing: the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them.

After a couple of months, he started commenting about how horrible her fashion sense was and that is why he had to buy her new clothes.

He would constantly compare her to other women and point out how much she lacked. Sandra constantly felt like she was never good enough for him so when he proposed on their 6 month anniversary she said yes.

She couldn’t believe that she could ever be lucky enough to marry a man that cared for her the way he did.

Over those early years whenever she would bring up a concern that he was paying too much attention to other women or would come home late from the office he would tell her she was just jealous and that it was all in her head.

He was constantly rewriting what happened when they went to his work potlucks or the neighborhood parties — that she was the one wearing too little clothing, and flirting with the other married men.

Sandra experienced gas lighting: manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

Sandra said that at first she argued with him but after a while, she couldn’t remember the details — maybe she had done the things he said.

As time passed Sandra was more and more isolated from friends and her family.

Her husband stopped bringing her to parties and other social events because he said he couldn’t trust her and that is when the verbal and emotional abuse increased.

He often told her she was a liar, stupid, fat, and needy which is why no one wanted her around.

After they married Sandra quit her job to stay home and take care of the house.

Her husband had said at the time that he wanted to provide for his queen but in the past few years, he had begun to hold that against her as well.

She had no income of her own, no friends, and her family lived out of state.

She was completely alone and only allowed to leave to make the weekly household purchases on an allowance.

Her husband constantly reminded her that she was alone and that he could dispose of her body without anyone finding out or caring that she was gone.

She lived in fear every day now and could barely remember a time that she didn’t question what she felt, what happened, or fear for her life.

She reached out to DVIP after hearing an interview on the local radio station about the different types of domestic violence.

During Sandra’s initial meeting with her DVIP advocate, she learned about the power and control wheel, the different types of abuse, and began to plan the next steps to safety.

Gas lighting

According to DVIP, gas lighting is the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them.

It does not have to be deliberate, either.

“Gas lighting only requires a belief that it is acceptable to overwrite another person’s reality,” DVIP literature says.

Gas lighting is not easy to recognize, because it does not always involve anger or intimidation.

“The gas lighter might shower you with special attention, but never actually give you what you need,” DVIP literature reads. “In another type of gas lighting, the gas lighter is always transformed into the victim.”

If someone has been the victim of gas lighting, it is actually normal to not be able to remember what actually happened.

“In fact, it is one of the signs that you should look for,” DVIP affirms. “It’s a good sign that it’s time to leave.”

According to DVIP Director of Community Engagement Alta Madea, gas lighting is such a stealth form of abuse that it is hard to teach many Spanish speaking cultures.

DVIP makes a distinction between manipulation and gas lighting.

“Both will degrade your self-esteem, but gas lighting, when effective, will actually damage your trust in yourself and your experience of reality,” DVIP said.

Signs of Gas Lighting:

No longer feeling like the person you used to be

Being more anxious and less confident than you used to be

Often wondering if you’re being too sensitive

Feeling like everything you do is wrong

Always thinking it’s your fault when things go wrong

Apologizing often

Making excuses for your partner’s behavior

Avoiding giving information to friends or family members to avoid confrontation about your partner

DVIP services can be reached on the web at www.dvipiowa.org or by calling 1-800-373-1043

Comments: AnnaMarie.Ward@southeastiowaunion.com