Now, I am a survivor

Seventeen years old.

At seventeen years old we find ourselves in our last year of childhood, aching to grasp onto adulthood.

Everything is new, scary, exciting, and emotional.

There is freedom to be with friends, to make our own mistakes, and to begin to discover who we are outside of our family unit.

In only a year, adulthood will lay claim to our youth.

One brave young woman had her last remnants of childhood torn away from her, and she has chosen to plunge herself into a world, not of fear, but of courage and advocacy.

This is that woman’s story.

At 17 years old, “EB” went to a house party in rural Kalona in June of 2017.

Like the average high school student she was nervous and had a few drinks to calm her nerves and enjoy the evening.

“My anxieties decreased and eventually I began to have fun,” EB said. “So much fun, I didn’t want to leave when my friend wanted to … She ended up not wanting to stay, and left me there.”

Alone and drunk, a stranger offered her a ride home, however as she was leaving three other strange men approached EB and insisted they would give her a ride instead.

“I might have gotten a ride home, but it was not a safe one,” EB said.

“I should have woke up the next morning with a hangover and a hazy memory, instead I woke up with bruises all over my body,” she said in her victim impact statement. “I wasn’t even hungover when I was finally conscious; I think my brain knew I needed to be sober to handle what to do next.”

According to Washington County Attorney John Gish, the three men were friends, but did not know EB.

They gave her a ride home and chose to have sex with the underage young woman who was incapable of consenting.

“It took me about a day to come to terms with what had happened to me, and I realized that I needed to report,” EB said. “I could see more bruises appearing all over my body, and I felt gross. I felt as if my body was not even mine, and I wanted to cover it up.”

So, she put on a hoodie and long pants.

She bravely drove herself to the Washington County Sheriff’s Office and asked where she needed to go to find out about consent laws.

The perceptive person at the front desk asked if EB needed to file a report and directed her to Investigator Chad Ellis.

From there, EB mustered up the courage to go through the agonizing process of a rape kit at the University of Iowa Hospitals, but first she told her mother.

“One of the worst things I remember is the look on her face,” EB said. “It was a look of sheer panic. I think she was more scared than me at this point. Someone had hurt her baby and she didn’t know what to do.”

As any good mother would, EB’s dropped everything, left work, and took her daughter to the hospital.

This fierce 17-year-old survivor was met at the hospital with the support of her dad who made her feel safe.

She was also introduced to Rape Victim Advocate Deanna Hansen who helped her through the whole five-year process beginning with the rape kit procedure.

“Deanna made it so much easier. She told me I could get on my phone,” EB said. “She made sure I knew everything that was going to happen and made me feel safe. She sat with me through the entire thing. She held my hand when I needed one. She got my mom when I needed her. I finally started feeling safe again.”

While EB says much of the process was unlike television due to the slow pace of reality, “that part [the rape kit] is almost stereotypical TV. Going in, getting swab, taking pictures,” she said.

“I knew this exam was important for me to get, but it was dehumanizing,” EB said. “Once again, my body was not mine. It was merely evidence to be collected. I was poked, swabbed, photographed and questioned for hours. I completely lost track of time in that room.”

The average length of time for a rape kit to come back from processing is six to eight months, but due to the lab processing backlogged cases, EB had to wait a total of 14 months.

Over a year of her life was spent just waiting on the results.

In that time, “My whole world became about trying to remember,” she said.

She missed out on education, emotional health, and even financial stability.

“I felt like I was failing,” EB said. “It took so much from me that I ended up dropping out of school my senior year of high school …”

“They didn’t just steal my graduation from high school, but my chance to enjoy some of the best parts of my senior year,” she said. “At my senior year homecoming dance, I had a panic attack. One minute I was dancing and smiling and the next my mind was focused on my surroundings and how unsafe I suddenly felt.”

This was only one of many panic attacks she has endured.

Eventually, the stress of the trauma and process sent EB into a full psychosis requiring hospitalization in 2018.

“I went through psychosis and I saw trucks driving around all the time. I swore to myself that the trucks I saw were these three boys and that they were going to kill me for reporting them for what they did,” EB said. “Paranoia and fear had taken over my brain, and I felt like I was trapped. My brain became my own personal hell. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. The start of it, I just laid in bed. I didn’t get up to do anything. I didn’t get up to go pee, nothing.”

If EB could change something in this process, she would have hospital staff better trauma informed.

“You’d think the hospital I went to would be trauma-informed and helpful, but that was not my experience,” EB said. “The nurse had me changing into a gown and they had to watch to check for injuries and piercing. When I panicked and cried, she scolded me and told me to just get up and change and snapped at me about it. She knew, but didn’t care.”

“I think the worst of it all was when they tried to sedate me,” EB recalled. “They held me down and ripped off my pants to give me a shot in my butt. That took me right back to having my kit done. Part of the kit was STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) medications. One being a shot in the butt. I had done OK with the entire kit, but that is when I cried for my mom.”

Due to the extent of emotional turmoil this assault put her through, EB and her mother found themselves desperately struggling financially.

They took on the financial burden of paying for different therapies for EB, and to her dismay, she found it difficult to work due to panic attacks.

“After financially struggling for so long, we nearly lost our house,” she said. “You know … the home I have lived in for nearly half my life. All because of the medical bills.”

Of the three men responsible, two of the men claimed the intercourse was consensual and the third claimed he did not have sex with EB at all.

When EB’s rape kit did come back, however, DNA evidence from all three men was present.

“I charged them with sexual assault because I believed the evidence indicated a sexual assault, and not consensual sex, is what really happened,” Gish said.

Ryan Montgomery, Lucas Anderson, and Parker Davis were charged with sexual abuse in the second degree, a Class B felony, on June 18, 2019.

Sexual abuse in the second degree is punishable by up to 25 years in prison — and requires a prison sentence — and 70% of the sentence must be served before parole is a possibility, unless the perpetrator is under 18, which none of these men were.

“No other sex abuse convictions have mandatory sentences and very few others even require prison,” Gish said. “Most people want anyone who commits a sex offense to go to prison for as long as possible, but people who are charged with that, aren’t going to agree with that, so that means a trial where the victim has to testify in front of their perpetrator and 12 strangers.”

“I believe the victim, I certainly believe EB, but that doesn’t mean 12 strangers are going to.” Gish said. “That is always the risk. You put the victim on the stand and you re-traumatize them. So you have to weigh the risk.”

“I once heard a defense attorney, who is now a prosecutor, say ‘when I was a defense attorney I either demanded a speedy trial so the prosecution has to rush through it and not have the best case, or I draw it out as long as possible so the victim will eventually get tired of it and give up,’” Hansen said.

“I believe it is very common for defense teams to use push backs as ways to wear down victims,” Gish added.

EB did not give up. She dug her heels in and got a sentencing that would bring her closure.

“By the end, I started getting used to it getting rescheduled and put off,” EB said. “At the end of the day, all I ever wanted for these three boys was to be on the lifetime sex offender registry, so the plea we came to … allowed for that punishment. For that I am thankful. I am thankful I did not have to relive the trauma for the trial.”

“It felt very surreal for it be done,” she said. “It becomes your life for five years. It’s like picking off the scab for the last time and letting it scar over, finally.”

While the scab may now be scarring over, EB wants to remind everyone that the scar is there, not just from the horrendous acts of three men, but also from the struggle of going through the process as a sexual assault survivor.

“When you are going through the criminal justice process as a victim of a sexual assault — it’s like you have to be two different people,” EB said. “I could be sad, but not hysterical. Angry but not vengeful. Happy, but not elated. I had to be the ‘perfect victim’, just to be believed. Anything I did, could be used against me, to discredit my truth.”

“And everybody shows trauma in a different way,” Hansen said.

In contrast, “anything the three defendants did could not be brought up because it ‘wouldn’t be fair to them,’” EB expressed with frustration. “The criminal justice system is cruel when it comes to survivors of sexual violence … Everyone responds differently to trauma, and it’s not fair to try and put us into a box to act a certain way, just to be believed.”

“Until you get to give a victim’s impact statement it really is about the perpetrator’s rights. They don’t have to give a deposition, but the victim does,” Hansen said.

The plea agreement was not reached until May 2022, five years after the assault, due to postponements and COVID-19.

Finally, the three defendants pleaded guilty to assault with intent to commit sexual abuse, which is an aggravated misdemeanor.

They were sentenced to a 10-year special sentence of probation as a statutory requirement, though this does not mean these men will be actively watched, however it does ensure that if they step out of line they could go to prison.

The three men also are on the federal sex offender registry for their lifetimes.

EB now refuses to hide the truth behind closed doors, and wishes more survivors would speak up.

“It shouldn’t be so taboo to talk about it,” EB said. “Especially how many people it happens to. You’d think it would be more talked about.”

Hansen does think, “ … more people are coming forward with disclosures in Washington because we have a prosecutor who prosecutes.”

EB is certainly grateful for the men and women who helped her along the way.

“Thank you to investigator Chad Ellis,” EB said. “When I walked into the station in 2017, I had zero idea what to expect … you listened, you believed and you educated me.”

“You made me feel like it was all going to be OK and that I could trust you with my life … You’re very trauma informed, supportive, and empathetic. You do your job well and you do it with passion. I appreciate everything you have done for me and this case.”

EB is grateful for her advocate and would say Hansen was her savior during the process.

“You’ve been a part of this case since the day I reported,” EB said. “You’ve watched teenage me as I turned into the adult I am today. Nothing I say could ever thank you enough … You’re very passionate about your job and do it well. I will forever aspire to be like you. Thank you again.”

“Also a big thank you to Mr. John Gish,” EB said. “Yet again with you, I didn’t know what to expect or how you could even possibly react to my case. But luckily, you’re an amazing person and you’ve believed me and fought for me up until the very end.”

“I will forever appreciate how you handled my case as well,” she said. “I know I, as the victim, don’t typically have lots of say in things during all this legal stuff. However, when it came to charges and pleas, you made sure to listen to my opinion and take that into consideration on what we wanted to and could fight for. Ultimately, by the end, I knew I could trust you with this case like it was my life.”

Both Hansen and Gish went into this case new to their position from January 2017, and say they have grown a lot throughout it.

Both attest to the fact they have cried many tears through the process, and are grateful to see the woman EB is today.

“In a time where I couldn’t trust anyone, especially males — I was reluctant to trust John and Chad,” EB said. “However, it was the best thing I could have done. They made sure I knew I was safe and that there are males out there who are good and trustworthy.”

EB also thanks Assistant Attorney General Nicole Leonard for her work, support, and consideration throughout the legal proceedings.

According to EB, support is crucial for those who have endured such horrible things.

Her support included not only those working on the case but also her family, friends, and co-workers who were in her corner the whole time.

“My hope now is to protect others from the horrific assault I endured,” EB said.

So, what advice would EB give to the person a survivor confides in?

“They just had their voice taken away, give it back to them,” she said. “Best thing to first say is, I believe you. I support you. How do you want me to help?”

Hansen would encourage giving them options, because their minds are already in overdrive.

“Do you want to talk about it, do you want distracted, and if you do want to talk about it, do you want advice or just to vent,” Hansen suggested.

To those who have survived the unthinkable EB says this: “You’ll have days when you are lower, but you’re not alone and healing is not linear.”

EB’s biggest wish in all of this is that survivors were given more power.

This month, a little of that power is being returned to survivors.

Previously, in Iowa it was permissible for defense attorneys to ask about survivor’s previous sexual interactions in a deposition, and this was commonly used to intimidate witnesses.

“The rape shield law protected a victim at trial from being asked certain questions about other partners or consensual sex, but did not protect victims in deposition,” Gish said. “That changed this year, and so, effective July 1 a victim is protected during deposition with the rape shield. So defense attorneys would have to convince a judge before asking those kind of questions.”

While EB did not have this protection, she is grateful for the change, and will continue to speak her truth in hopes of initiating additional change in systems and survivor’s lives.

“I do want to make one thing clear, I might not be able to recall all the details that occurred that night, but I do know one thing for sure. I was raped …” EB said during her victim impact statement.

“What [they] did does not define who I am — and everything I am going to accomplish,” she continued. “[They] might have taken the power away from me that night, but I am taking it back now. [They] made me a victim, but now, I am a survivor.”

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault the National Sexual Assault hotline is available 24 hours 7 days a week at 1-800-656-4673 or visit www.rainn.org to chat with someone, because the power of survivors allows them to call out monsters by name.

Comments: AnnaMarie.Ward@southeastiowaunion.com