Tiny feet leave a big impact

MT. PLEASANT — As organizations like No Foot Too Small across the state and nation host events throughout the month of October to recognize National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, families like Kevan and Tamara Zechin’s remember their own journeys through loss.

“On Jan. 15, 2020, my husband and I were expecting our second child,” Tamara shared. “As you can imagine we were very excited.”

Tamara had attended mommy classes at pregnancy resource center Cradle of Hope from the time she was just four months pregnant with their first Child Kevan Zechin III, who is now 5 years old.

“In 2020 they were training a new ultrasound technician and so they were offering free ultrasounds to expecting Mamas,” she said. “So, Jan. 15, 2020, I took the little boy that I babysit, Joshua, and my son in and we had one of those free ultrasounds and I was excitedly pointing out things that I could recognize on the ultrasound and saying to my son, ‘look, there’s your baby brother or sister,’ and trying to really build the enthusiasm for them that this new baby was arriving in our lives.”

That excitement, however, quickly shifted as Tamara left and received a call from a nurse midwife letting her know Cradle of Hope called them with concerns.

Tamara was asked to go to the hospital right away for an additional ultrasound.

“I just remember picking up the phone and calling my husband in tears and saying, ‘Honey, I think something's wrong with our baby. And we need to go to the hospital today to have an ultrasound,’” Tamara shared. “So, he immediately left work. And we went into the hospital.”

It was during this ultrasound that Tamara and her husband learned that their second child’s heart was outside of his body, “and so suddenly, our world of healthy pregnancy and expecting our second child and growing our family like we had always dreamed about was suddenly crashing down around us as we were being told statistics like less than 10% chance of survival.”

With further genetic testing, Tamara learned that their second child, a baby boy, had Trisomy 18 which she described as her baby having three copies of his 18th chromosome.

“In the medical world this diagnosis of Trisomy 18 often means that the baby is incompatible with life,” Tamara said. “It doesn’t always mean that, though.”

So, their journey continued with extensive ultrasounds at the University of Iowa Jan. 26, 2020.

“They really looked carefully at our baby from head to toe,” she said.

At that appointment Tamara learned that their baby was missing part of his brain, had clubbed feet, had clenched fists, which is common with Trisomy 18, and was missing several vertebrates.

Additionally, she learned that not only was his heart outside of his body, but all his organs were due to a hole in his chest.

With this news, the chances of survival appear even more slim, and Tamara and her husband met with a palliative care team.

“They pretty much walked us through if we were to continue the pregnancy what would happen after he was born and how we would make decisions for basically end of life care immediately following his birth,” she said. “They also gave us lots of recommendations about how to plan a funeral service.”

“Like I said within just a couple of weeks of sort of planning this new life entering our lives we were planning to say goodbye to this baby that we had never met beyond ultrasound photos,” Tamara said.

According to Tamara, when families are given this type of diagnosis the parents are also given many choices to make.

“One thing that I have learned as we walked this journey is that every choice a parent makes in this situation is made with deep love for that baby even if those choices look remarkably different from one another,” Tamara said.

Because of their faith and personal convictions, Tamara and Kevan decided to continue their pregnancy.

“We kind of placed the timing of his life and the timing of his death into God’s hands,” Tamara said. “I couldn’t control his diagnosis. I couldn’t control the fact that his cells had decided to make themselves the way that they did, but I could control his name.”

As she grieved the news of the diagnosis and began the hard work of losing this life she desperately wanted, Tamara and Kevan named their son.

“We chose Toban which means ‘The Lord is Good,” and Josiah which means ‘God heals,’” Tamara shared.

Tamara says she saw God’s goodness throughout her dark journey as she shared her story on Caring Bridge and connected with others who then lifted her family up in prayer.

“I connected with over 500 readers all around the world,” she said. “ … I really realized that I could not control the sadness of what was happening to us, but I could control the legacy and how Toban’s story was shared, so I did that through Caring Bridge.”

“In the midst of one of the most terrible times of our life, God was faithful,” Tamara shared. “We experienced his goodness through God’s people reaching out to us, too.”

At one point during their journey, Tamara says she even received a card with 20 signatures from a women’s prayer group in Pennsylvania letting her know they were praying.

“Just to think about that, this one little baby who was forming inside my womb that had all these things wrong with him could somehow touch that many different people's lives,” she started.

“It just made me realize that if this child who ultimately didn't take one breath in this world could have that kind of impact, how important it is that we all take the time to share our stories?” she continued.

April 28, 2020, the journey took another turn as Tamara went to her regular appointment at Henry County Health Center.

As her nurse midwife looked for the heartbeat on the ultrasound the room filled with silence.

“And we realized his heart had stopped,” Tamara remembered.

With that, Tamara began the induction process and gave birth to Toban Josiah Zechin May 1, 2020 at 9:30 a.m. in Mt. Pleasant and then had to say goodbye.

Tamara said in that moment she was met again with immeasurable kindness as the hospital staff went into action taking pictures, offering support, taking prints of his hands and feet, making keepsakes, giving them a way to get their son Kevan in to see his brother, and giving them the time and space to spend with Toban before sending him off with the funeral director only 12 hours later.

“Our funeral home director came in and he promised to carry him out of the hospital in his arms, so I knew that he was held until he left,” Tamara shared through tears.

On May 3, 2020 on Bereaved Mother’s Day, Tamara said they had a beautiful graveside service with just immediate family and their pastors to say goodbye to the baby they wanted to so much.

A year later they celebrated Toban’s existence with a first year in heaven party and memorialized him with all their family and friends.

At about this time they also learned that they were expecting rainbow baby, a baby that comes as a bright light after the storm of loss, in May 2021.

“We were ecstatic,” she said. “I thought this is great. I have been faithful throughout all of this journey with Toban, and now we are going to be blessed with another child. And I was really hopeful for that. And then in June, I sort of started feeling like I wasn't pregnant anymore.”

July 1, 2021, Tamara had her first ultrasound for her third child at 10 weeks gestation and her fears were confirmed.

“They did not find what they were expecting to find and so we were basically told that the pregnancy had stopped and had not continued to develop and that we were going to lose our pregnancy,” Tamara shared. “And honestly, I can honestly say that out of all of that experience of Toban July 1, 2021, was the hardest and most hopeless day of o my life because I felt like I had all this hope in this rainbow baby and it all just was suddenly very much gone.”

“I grieved that loss of that pregnancy very deeply,” she said.

She waited over a week for her body to catch up with what she already knew.

“Those days of waiting were very agonizing,” Tamara said.

On July 11, 2021, they officially lost their third child.

“We don’t know whether this baby was a boy or a girl, but we felt like it was really important, again, recognizing we can’t control the circumstances, but we could control naming our baby, and so we chose the name Kian which mean the Lord’s Gracious Gift,” she said. “And Selah which means Amen or forever.”

With two losses, Tamara says that No Foot Too Small was incredibly important in her ability to grieve, heal, and find her people in this continued journey of going through life with two children no longer in this world.

“I attribute the fact that our marriage has stayed so strong through of this to organizations like No Foot Too Small that reach out to families because loss is something that can result in a lot of difficulties between spouses because spouses grieve very differently,” she said.

Through online support groups offered for both mothers and fathers, Tamara feels like she has a space to share and be understood and so does her husband.

Through events like the ones No Foot Too Small hosts throughout the year like Angels in the Outfield, Wave of Light, and a butterfly release, she feels she also has the space and place to celebrate the impact that four little feet had on her and her family.

For more information about support groups or events visit nofoottoosmall.org

This month specifically, Tamara, Kevan Jr. and Kevan III look forward to Wave of Light Oct. 15.

“Wave of Light is a celebration that is a global celebration in October for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month,” Tamara shared.

According to Baby loss Awareness Week, families across the world are invited to join the event by lighting a candle at 7 p.m. local time and leaving it burn for at least one hour to remember all the babies that have died too soon.

In previous year the Zechins have celebrated this event by lighting candles at home for Toban and Kian, but this year, they will join a group with No Foot Too Small in Cedar Rapids and watch as each little light comes together to make a big impact.

Comments: AnnaMarie.Ward@southeastiowaunion.com