Andy blames the refs

On Sunday afternoon, I was sitting in church watching the women’s basketball national championship on my cellphone, and it was appropriate that I was sitting in the Lord’s house, because what happened on the floor at the American Airlines Center in Dallas was a travesty of biblical proportions.

On a day when the great state of Iowa was meant to celebrate a national championship in the sport of women’s basketball, we were outright robbed by the backstabbing ways of NCAA officiating. The LSU Tigers ruined everything, as they normally do, and *technically* beat our beloved Hawkeyes 102-85.

Two days after pretending to be our friends by calling two fouls on South Carolina star Aliyah Boston in the national semifinal, which the Hawkeyes won 77-73, the referees made the ultimate heel turn in all but suffocating Iowa’s starting lineup by benching practically the whole team with bogus foul calls.

Wait? What are we reading here? Is this not a newspaper? This sounds like a biased report. Our knight in shining armor, Andy Krutsinger, the ultimate median of athletics in Southeast Iowa sounds more like a fan than a member of the press.

Yeah, you bet I do. You can throw integrity out the door on this one. If you’re reading this with any intention of hearing both sides of the story, you might as well stop right now, rip this sports page out and toss it into a puddle outside. Go watch cable news if you want fair and balanced reporting.

If you aren’t as progressive as me, and didn’t spend the last few weeks obsessing over the NCAA women’s tournament, and didn’t watch the game on Sunday, then first of all, how dare you? Take some time to repent for your sins and watch the highlights, or at least read my little recap coming up in the next few paragraphs.

So, Iowa star Caitlin Clark, who is pretty much the state’s golden girl now after rising out of the prep high school ranks to become the most recognizable college athlete in U.S. history, was doing her thing, sinking shots from rock-and-jock range as she usually does, and the Hawkeyes were looking good, early.

The game was 7-3 at the first timeout, which confused a lot of the bandwagoners who usually just watch the Hawkeye football team and nothing else, because that looks more like a final score to them, so they probably thought the game was over.

As all that was happening, something changed. The officials had a little pow wow with LSU head coach Kim Mulkey, and a few minutes later, they started blowing their whistles more than a disgruntled boot camp sergeant who just got demoted to third shift and lost his divorce settlement right before basic training.

At halftime, LSU was up about a billion points, and the big wigs at the university were already up in their luxury suite’s at the top of the stadium counting their money, smoking their cigars, and generally just giving off movie bad guy vibes. Maybe texting thumbs-up and moneybags emojis to the refs? That’s always a possibility.

Despite the absolute farce that was taking place on the court, I stayed ride or die till the end. I didn’t turn the game off on my phone, except to do a little justified whining on social media. I just simply turned off the sound for a while and flipped it upside down on the couch. But then, something magical began to happen.

As I sat slouched in my chair, pretending to pay attention to the discussion about the Book of Matthew, I peered back to my phone. I heard cheering. I heard excitement. I knew it couldn’t have been the LSU fans, because all of their cheers and chants probably laced with obscenities. Maybe directed at small children? Wouldn’t put it past them.

What was happening, you ask? The Hawks were coming back. 3-pointer. BANG. 3-pointer. BANG. Over and over again, Iowa took the deficit from a billion, down to a million, down to a couple hundred, and then eventually down to just seven measly points.

But the refs had plenty left in them.

In a move only rivaled by Joe Doug Flutie’s Hail Mary, or Michael Jordan’s free-throw line dunk, the officials wiped away their tears, which built up when Iowa started rallying back, and sent in the hammer.

Iowa’s best post-player, Monika Czinano, who the powers that be had thrown in a straitjacket all game long with foul calls that the announcers called “questionable” and that I called “grounds for federal punishment” was hit with her fourth foul, as she dared breathe upon one of the LSU forwards.

Then, in a move worse than that time Gaston tried to kidnap Belle’s father in ‘Beauty in the Beast’ the officials assessed a technical foul to Clark, admonishing her for lightly dribbling the ball out of her way as she went to the huddle.

That was Clark’s fourth foul, and considering she has become the Michael Jordan of women’s basketball, I can only compare it to that time the Monstars were going to shackle MJ in chains so the customers at Moron Mountain could beat him at 1-on-1.

With Czinano, Clark and McKenna Warnock all in deep foul trouble, LSU escaped with the win, and the championship run had come up one game short. As the Hawkeyes gracefully walked off the court, LSU players danced, taunted and practically held a victory parade right in their faces. The clear display of bad sportsmanship went completely unchecked by the officials, and the good people of the Hawkeye State had to watch in horror as evil prevailed in spades.

The most egregious act of the day came when LSU’s fourth-leading scorer in the game, Angel Reese, followed Clark around the court doing the ‘you can’t see me,“ motion, which was made popular by professional wrestler John Cena, a failed rap artist who ruined the Fast and the Furious franchise.

Pundits on ESPN, who were bowing at the feet of Mulkey and the Tigers all night long, then released some probably AI doctored footage of Clark doing the same motion a few games earlier. According to those lucky few who suck up enough to the Illuminati to score national television jobs, Clark motioning to her own bench for three seconds justified the abomination that went on for what seemed like an eternity in the minds of those watching on their Android devices.

The players and coaches will be OK. They’ll have more games, more tournaments, and Iowa has a pretty good shot of returning back to the Final Four next season. But what about us? What about the fans? The ride or dies. The grinders. What are we going to do?

I had already bragged to all of my friends that Iowa had the best team, and they aren’t buying my completely justified complaints about the officiating because quote ‘that’s what I always say when Iowa loses.’ I feel helpless.

But alas, there is a sunrise peaking out from the darkness. Iowa’s baseball team is 20-6. The Hawks have some real potential, and I’ve already got two feet squarely on the bandwagon.

It’s time to ride or die with a new crew, and if the umpires at the College World Series want to stand in our way, they need to realize one thing. Some of us have access to print media, and we’ve got plenty more blame to hand out.