Murder hornets

Well, well, well, just when we didn't think it could get any worse. Here we are chilling out in this no-sports having pandemic and life decides to hit us again.

If you've been away from the internet or news channels lately, you may not have heard, but the news broke this weekend that the 'Vespa mandarinia” a giant hornet from Asia has entered the United States for the first time ever.

According to CBS news, the Vespa Mandarinia has been known to kill 50 people a year in Japan and they have the potential to 'devastate” U.S. bee populations, which is why they earned the name 'Murder hornets,” which sound like it should be an XFL team in Texas.

I for one am a bee truther, as many of you who have read past columns before the Tuesday Troupe came to be. Everyone says the world would end if all the bees died. I say, if humans can get to the moon, we can probably pollinate the flowers.

Sorry, but it just seems like humans are better than every other species than whatever that species does best. Oh, Bears, you're pretty good at fishing? Watch us invent fishing rods and nets. Oh what's up raccoons, you're pretty good at sneaking around and stealing stuff? Oops, we have Winona Ryder. Hey cats, looks like you've got catching mice figured out. Uh oh, what's this? We literally invented a contraption to lure them in and trap them. We don't even have to get our paws dirty.

It's true, we not only one up all these animals but then mock them by naming our sports teams after them. That's just what we do. Humans are all that and a bag of chips. Lions might be king of the jungle, but humans are emperors of the planet. It's facts only, don't be mad.

Even so, even I don't want to see these giant bullies come in and take out all of the bees. I'd rather two or three little guys be flying around in my backyard than one of these evil things.

Also, they came across from Japan to Washington. What's the deal with that? Has Washington not already suffered enough? It's bad enough that they had their NBA team stolen and that everyone thinks our presidents live there, but now the hornets have to roll in and aggravate them too? Why can't you skip over Washington and go to Montana or something? Probably scared of all the cowboys.

The Washington State of Agriculture claims the murder hornets 'Don't usually go after humans,” so I guess they just accidentally kill people sometimes. Yeah, I don't believe that for a second.

Everyone is always running interference for these guys, and I mean bees, wasps and hornets in general. Raise your hand if you've heard this one; 'If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone.” Yeah right. And then they get right up in your face and just dare you to swat at them so they've got an excuse to retaliate.

Could you imagine if some humans were like that? What if some humans just got up in your face and pestered you until you snapped and wanted to throw hands. Oh yeah, we do have those people. They're called little brothers. Boom! Roasted. I don't have a little brother, but if you do, show them that line, because they just got freakin' burned!

Fair warning to the Vespa Mandarinia, by the way. Don't come after the Tuesday Troupe. You may have your little hives, and your little queen, but you don't have the comraderee that we have, and you never will.

Oh, by the way, what's a pretty good tool to kill a hornet? That's right, a newspaper. This newspaper. Do it. Pick it up and hunt these guys down. We can't wait for them to come after us, we've got to go get them.

You know, it might be a good time to buy your family members some subscriptions to the paper. With all these psycho hornets flying around and stinging everyone, it is probably better safe than sorry.

Speaking of newspapers, by the way, you probably have already heard that I got snubbed from winning a Pulitzer Prize again. Results came out today, and 'Tuesdays with Andy” didn't even get one mention. Most of the awards went to all those big wigs in New York and Los Angeles.

I think we all know why we didn't win. The Pulitzer family clearly didn't like me bringing up the movie 'Newsies” in past columns, because that movie makes Joseph Pulitzer look like a greedy scumbag. I get it. We hurt their feelings and now they want to hurt ours. Well guess what? I'm just going to make my own awards. I'll call them the 'Tuesdays,” and they'll be much more valuable in about five or six years than the Pulitzers ever were.

Your reading material this week will be the Vespa Mandarinia Wikipedia page. Be prepared, stay prepared, live prepared. See you next week, same bat time, same bat channel. Shout out Batman.