Staff Columnist

March Sadness

Andy Krutsinger
Andy Krutsinger

Hey all you cool cats and kittens, it’s Tuesday again. How’s everyone feeling today? I’m going to be honest, guys, the no sports depression is really starting to set it now.

This weekend was supposed to be the second weekend of the 2020 NCAA tournament. How’s everyone’s bracket doing? Mine still is perfect, just blank spaces on every single line. Remember how good it felt when it got to this point in the tournament and your bracket was still alive enough to win your pool? That was cool.

But I have some good news, guys. It’s March 31. And in case you aren’t sitting by your calendar, that is the last day of this sad, depressing month.

This has been by far the worst March of my lifetime, although I guess I never saw “March of the Penguins.” What is that movie about, anyway? Do they just walk? I guess penguins are cute. Is that a movie, or a documentary? I might just watch that tonight.

I’ll tell you what really snuck up on us this year: April Fools’ Day. What a way to jump into the next month of quarantine!

I know some of you might be getting a little stir crazy at home, and maybe everyone is starting to get on each other’s nerves. I’d say the best way to cut the tension around the house is to spend a day playing a bunch of stupid pranks on each other. In fact, I’ll give you all a few ideas so you can pull sick pranks on the haters and losers who aren’t reading this weekly column.

I’m going to start with my favorite. This one is an age old classic. Tell your mom, dad, sibling, spouse, or whatever that your computer and phone are dead and you need to use theirs to check something real quick on Facebook. Then, go into their settings and change their birthday. Make sure you save.

Change the birthday to a date coming up soon. Since we’re pulling this prank on April 1, maybe pop that bad boy to April 4. That’s a Saturday this year. They’re probably going to be sleeping in. They probably won’t be checking their phones as early as usual, and they’ll probably be waking up to a bunch of “Happy Birthday” posts from people who are close enough to be their friends on Social Media but not close enough to actually know their real birthday.

Note: Make sure their birthday is not actually on April 4. That would derail the entire prank, trust me.

Here’s another good prank. Tell your family you’re making chocolate chip cookies but then make raisin cookies instead. Cruelty at it’s finest. Raisin cookies straight up stink. Maybe just make one or two raisin ones and the rest chocolate chip, that way you still have some good stuff to eat and you don’t end up pranking yourself in the process by having to eat raisin cookies.

Let me stop here for a second and remind you all to be thoroughly washing your hands. Let’s be honest with ourselves for a second. It has been a couple of weeks now. I’m sure we were all washing our hands with soap for 20 seconds as recommended at the beginning, but we have started to slip, haven’t we?

We’re in the trust tree here on Tuesday’s with Andy. Are you still washing your hands for the correct amount of time? Are you getting in between the fingers? Or are you back to your old ways of putting your hands under the sink for 0.5 seconds and swirling them around for a little bit? I’ve caught myself trying to cut corners lately. We can’t be doing that.

If you love sports and want them to come back as soon as possible, you better be going hard on that soap bottle, and getting those hands all the way under that water.

Here’s a fun tip I learned from my daughter’s day care. Sing the wash your hands song. Repeat after me ... “Tops and bottoms. Tops and bottoms. In between. In between. All around the hands. All around the hands. Now we’re clean. Now we’re clean.” This is an official challenge from the sports page to you, our lovely readers. Wash your hands, stay away from people, and peer pressure everyone else into doing so.

I don’t want to go there, but I’ve heard people on the internet talking about how the 2020 football season is already in jeopardy of being pushed back or canceled. The NFL, college, high school. It’s all in danger. So go out there and social distance harder than a middle schoolboy at his first dance.

Sorry to keep with the scare tactics here, but do you know how much colder it feels in the fall and winter when there is no football to get us through the weekend? Pretty darn cold and miserable, let me tell you. I haven’t lived through it yet, but I’ve had my share of nightmares the last couple of weeks.

If you need something to get you through the week, I suggest the NETFLIX documentary “Tiger King.” I’m guessing about half of you have already watched it, but just in case you’ve been living under a rock this week (and we all might as well be), there’s a helpful tip. Don’t let the kids watch though, they do say some swears and there is some drug usage/Tiger attacks/potential murder. You’ve been warned.

That’s all for today, kiddos. Go watch those hands.