We made it, guys! We battled through the end of the workweek, survived the weekend and knocked out Monday. It’s finally Tuesday again, the day we’ve all been waiting for, and that means Season 1 Episode 3 of the hit new weekly column, “Tuesdays With Andy.” T.G.I.T. We’re finally all back together again.
It’s tough to live up to the promise of past Episode 3’s. In Star Wars episode 3, the guy who looks like Patrick Kane becomes Darth Vadar. In the third Harry Potter, some dude turns into a rat. In Toy Story 3, Andy gives Woody away, and in Tiger King 3, Carole probably kills her husband.
While we’re loosely on the subject of Toy Story, let me stray off into a little story of my own. My little sister was a big Toy Story fan in the late 90s, and she got a Woody doll when she was around five or six. The doll had “Andy” written on the bottom of its foot, just like in the movie, and she got upset because that’s my name and not hers. I think she may have even tried to use a baby wipe to get it off.
So how is everyone handling isolation? I have to say, I was doing really well today until it dawned on me that last night was supposed to be the NCAA tournament championship. Can you believe that? The tournament would have already come and gone by now. Moment of silence for our hopes and dreams.
I’ve come up with some great ways to try and stave off the virus, myself. One way I’ve stayed away from people is buying something for lunch that leaves me leftovers for the rest of the week.
Here’s a life hack: You can buy the family size portion at a restaurant, even if you’re not a family. You can just walk in all alone, pay for the meal and walk out. They won’t even check. Now that’s how you beat a pandemic.
Also, I’m pretty skinny so I can really stretch one meal into about four or five, just as long as it stays fresh. Just a couple scoops of chicken Alfredo and I can go for weeks at 100 percent.
I’m kind of like a cellphone right when you buy it, where the battery stays at 90-plus percent for hours and they tell you the battery will stay fresh just as long as you always charge it all the way back up to full bar instead of charging it little bits at a time. You know, the kind that you say you’re never going to quick-charge but then you do it once or twice in an emergency and then a couple more times, and eventually the battery is totally tanked and you get angry at how fast it plummets down below 15 percent? I’m that kind of skinny.
Also, check out this little trick ... I’ve been paying for everything with my card, you know, trying to avoid dirty money at all. The other day, I realized I have to push four different buttons to put in my four-digit pins. Who knows who has touched all those buttons, right? So I called and had them change my pin so it’s just the same number four times. That’s four-times as safe! Plus, the ‘7’ button is all the way down in the lower left-hand corner, and nobody wants to reach that far, so my finger is probably the only one hitting the key! Genius, I know. No need to compliment me on that little trick, because I already complimented myself.
I’ve definitely been on Twitter and Facebook a lot lately, and let me tell ya, I’ve got some Coronavirus experts on my timeline. Random family members, people I went to high school with, strangers who added me first and I accepted just to be a nice person and because I needed Words with Friends 2 opponents. All of them coming together to unite over one thing: How much they love to argue online about why Coronavirus is here and who’s at fault.
This morning I opened Twitter and scrolled down to see what people were talking about. You wouldn’t believe it, but it seems the majority of my social media follows have come to the conclusion that we would have been much better off if the political party they don’t agree with didn’t decide to come in and screw it all up.
You know, I thought I was tired of hearing about the 2016 presidential election all day every day for the first three years following, but 2020 has found a new way to ramp it all up. I just don’t know who to believe anymore.
Rita, my high school English Teacher who got fired halfway through the semester after getting into a fist fight right outside of school, says if we would have just picked her candidate instead of the guy who won, we would have somewhere between zero and negative five Coronavirus cases in the United States. But on the other hand, Preston, the kid from my college math class who always showed up late, fell asleep and borrowed my pencils just to return them back all chewed up and nasty, assures me that if we would have picked Rita’s candidate, the U.S. death toll would actually be hitting the millions.
Some say the human brain is the most complex computer on planet earth, but sometimes I’m not sure if I’d trust the average American’s noggin to successfully save my progress on ‘Backyard Baseball 2001,’ let alone help me decipher what is real science and what is “fake news.”
All in all, though, I think it’s good to see the online world is back to being at each other’s throats over politics just days after vowing “we’re all in this together.” That just means the Coronavirus hasn’t changed out way of life THAT much, since we’re still doing the exact same thing we would have been doing if it never hit American soil.
Since I’ve taken a job as a sports writer, I’ve tried to keep my own political leanings a secret. Some would argue that I should use my “platform” to speak out for what I believe to be right, but I’ve never wanted to contribute to that can of words. You know who else has a platform? Every single person on earth who has a job, owns land or has any kind of money.
I’ve always said, the guy who serves popcorn at the movie theater has his own platform, but I don’t want him lecturing me on offshore drilling as he hands me my box of junior mints, so it has always baffled me why people on ESPN or Fox Sports feel the need to gripe about politics when they’re working, just because their job allows them to be on TV. Besides, we all know political doctrine should be left where it belongs; In our schools and in our churches.
I can’t throw stones though. I love to ruffle feathers every once in a while, share a funny meme or two that I know might get a few people on their toes. It’s hard to resist the rush you get when you manage to catfish Right-Hook Rita and Pencil-Stealing Preston into the same comment section. It’s a rush that can really help you get through the day, especially when sports aren’t there to keep you occupied.
Last week I implored the Tuesday Troupe (that’s the new nickname for anyone who reads this column, by the way) to vigilantly wash your hands. I will reissue that challenge today, but I’m going to add to it. Let’s wash our hands of germs and wash our hands of jerks. Don’t comment on any political bait on Facebook. Don’t get into any fights about what or what not the governor needs to be doing. Just relax, take a squirt of hand sanitizer and scrub the anger away.
Oh great, three columns in and he’s already getting preachy.
Editor’s note: Don’t actually change your pin number to ‘7777’. That was a clever joke, but identity theft is no laughing matter.