Tuesdays with Andy: Trouble in Wiggletown?

Andy Krutsinger
Andy Krutsinger

After a nice family trip out to Old Threshers grounds on Sunday to run and play in the open field, my two-year old and I snuggled up on the couch to find something to watch on TV before naptime. For the third or fourth-straight day, she told me she wanted to watch “Wiggle wiggle,” which was a show I had never heard of and neither had my wife.

As I scrolled through shows to find something she likes, Addie piped up, “Wiggle wiggle! Wiggle wiggle!” She pointed to the TV as if to tell me to go back, and I noticed NETFLIX had a TV show featuring “The Wiggles,” which are an Australian children’s music group.

The Wiggles are a group of four, one each wearing the color red, yellow, blue or purple, but they also have kind of a JV team, which take part in some of the songs or skits and also will wear dog suits, octopus suits, dinosaur suits or whatever else. Oh, and there’s also randomly a pirate thrown in there.

I figured she must have seen the show at day care sometime or at grandma’s house, so we watched an episode and it wasn’t too bad. Typical toddler entertainment with dancing animals and nursery rhymes. But when I checked the Wiggles out on Wikipedia, I read about a troubling love triangle that could possibly bring the entire operation to its knees. (Cue the scary music)

As it turns out, the yellow Wiggle, Emma (shout out to Emma, first female Wiggle) married the purple Wiggle, Lachlan, in 2016. Those two crazy kids got hitched just three years into becoming official Wiggles in 2013, when they replaced a couple of the founding members.

To the disappointment of toddlers and romance enthusiasts everywhere, the yellow and purple Wiggles separated just two years after their marriage. Luckily for the tots, the two of them stayed co-workers and continued to bang out children’s hit after children’s hit and probably rack up millions of dollars.

But then, just one year after the separation (cue intense troubling music), the yellow Wiggle was spotted by Australian paparazzi (or something like that) hanging off the arm of her new boyfriend, another Wiggles co-worker. (Cue the music that goes “dun dun dun!”)

Not only is she now dating another member of the band, but she’s not even dating one of the main four Wiggles. It’s just some dude named Oliver who plays guitar and sometimes dresses up as a cowboy, and for the purposes of this column, might also slip into the dog or dinosaur costume when needed.

So to recap, this guy doesn’t even have a color yet and he’s out here swiping up other dudes’ ex-wives. Come on, guy. Have some respect for the game.

I’m not trying to be all TMZ over here, digging into other people’s relationships and judging them on a public forum, but in this sportswriter’s humble opinion, that’s being a bad teammate. Especially if you’re just the cowboy who puts on the dog suit. Like, come on. Wait till you’re in the core four before you turn in to Mr. Steal-your-ex.

I just feel like, if I were the purple Wiggle, it would rub me the wrong way. I’m out here busting my butt for the children of Australia, America, Argentina, Antarctica, etc.., and the guy in the cowboy hat and spiked boots is out here making me look like a straight up chump.

Again, I’m not trying to judge. I’m just a simple Midwestern sports writer watching NETFLIX with my kid. Maybe if she ended up with the red one. Like, “Oh yeah, we at the Wiggles just kind of date each other, it’s fine and we’re all cool with it.”

According to the band its self, the purple Wiggle and the yellow Wiggle are still the best of friends. Kind of wrong of me not to mention that before I started throwing stones, I know, but sometimes when you’re on the clock and have a column to write, you have to sensationalize a little bit. I didn’t make the rules, nor do I abide by them.

I hate to speculate, I really do, but maybe Oliver was a little bit jealous that Purple Wiggle hits the chorus to “Wheels on the Bus” harder than he does, and that’s why he’s in the fancy purple shirt while Oliver gets stuck in the back next to the pirate and the octopus. I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t say anything, but it is what it is.

I just want to reiterate that I don’t personally know any of the Wiggles (although they perform with such heart and tenacity they make you feel like you’re there in person). It’s just that the Beatles fell apart because of romance stuff within the band. Then there was ABBA. I mean, just look up what happened to ABBA. They were all married at one point, the A’s to the B’s at least. I just don’t want the Wiggles to go down the same path, after all they’ve been entertaining the masses since the early 1990s. Same here, by the way. I was born in 1990. So in a way I do have grounds to talk about this.

Anyway, this one has really went off the rails but I just want to say for anyone who’s thinking about writing in about how this column was out of line, just bare with me. I haven’t had a sporting event to cover in a couple of months. Usually the chaos of high school sports keeps me going.

Also, did you say anything when I ripped on Winona Ryder for her kleptomania a couple of columns ago? That was almost 20 years ago. I took some shots, and you guys let it slide. But that’s what we do here on Tuesday’s With Andy. We go there. I said early on in this series that we’re all in this together, so if anyone gets mad at me for taking a few pokes at the Wiggles, just remember we win as a team and lose as a team, so you’re all partially responsible.

In conclusion, the Wiggles is food and fun for the whole family. I give it a 10 out of 10. When I was a little kid, I mostly watched MTV and professional wrestling, so I had never watched it before, but it’s a great show, and I look forward to watching them grow as entertainers, and also as people. Thank you for reading.